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degas

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[07 Dec 2005|11:59am]
I have never been so relieved. But at the same time, I think I'm getting sick again.

I did play a mean trick on Gerrit though... calling him up and suggesting he get an HIV test without explanation. He bought right into it. Panicked, he called me and I told him the truth... cruel, but he knows he deserved it. I think he might even actually want me back. *laughs. What an ass. It's good to know my reasoning affects him.

Then Kent called to apologize and explain.

My birthday party is tomorrow. I really hope Sam can come. I'm wishing Sam to come. I wonder if this is completely one-sided. I hate that feeling. "Does he think of me?" Of course I'm pushing these thoughts out because they can only lead to dependency and that is something I want to stay away from.

The semester is comming to an end. I don't think I'm doing that well. I could be better off. A person can always be better off.
meet me in outer space

[06 Dec 2005|04:02am]
just 10 hours to go. Maybe then I'll be able to sleep. 10 hours until I know for sure.


It snows so peacefully outside. Inside I can't fucking sleep. I'm watching German television while listening to her snore. I can't fucking wait to get out of here. I want to pack and leave now, tonight. I don't care about anything except seeing home.

FUCK ME.

I keep thinking about Brian and Sam and everyone. Allen, Corey, Briana, Kent. I should probably talk to Kent but I really don't feel like it after what he said to me. Asshole.
meet me in outer space

[05 Dec 2005|02:30am]
I have so much shit going on right now. So much drama. Life is drama. So I don't plan on ever not having drama. Maybe to not have drama is to just have it but not talk about it?

I met this really awesome guy a couple weeks ago, but actually got to know him Friday night. His name's Sam and I don't think I've ever been this excited in a really long time. I want to know him and spend time with him.... he's just so goofy and funny, a guy that I could really get along with.

I think Kate's going to invite him to my birthday party thursday... which would be totally awesome if he showed up. I'm so excited :)! Ok... Heather, don't get your hopes up. I mean, there could always be a chance that he doesn't want to see you again...
meet me in outer space

[01 Dec 2005|03:06pm]
I don't think I have HIV... by the way.
meet me in outer space

Human emotion [30 Nov 2005|05:49pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Have you ever felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come out? I realize I can't change anything that has happened and that I shouldn't stress out about it, but I'm just really depressed.

Mainly it's Brian, I don't know why I'm letting it get to me so much. I think he wants me to be someone I'm not... he's searching for something and I'm too scared to let him in. Fuck, right now I'm too scared to let anyone in. I don't want to be touched, looked at, or talked about.

I can't even fucking talk to him. Even if he wanted to talk to me, I don't think I want to talk to him until after Tuesday when things are at least partially cleared up for me.


Life is never been so jaded for me.... yes it has, but this time my head is clear of extra hormones and other emotional shit.

meet me in outer space

excuses are so lame, you may be different but I'm still the same [30 Nov 2005|04:24am]
[ mood | anxious ]

What can I say? I'm switching to this journal for awhile since I have a lot to say and I've annoyed the shit out of everyone.

I'm scared... HIV test results I get back on 6th. I pray they come back negative. I dont know what to do if they are positive. I know that I cant just give up if that's the case. I just know everything would change. Everything has to change. The way I;ve been opperating isn't healthy or fulfilling.

I actually did some chem hmw today. Loaded a shit load of pictures from Rebby's camera to my computer.

it's 4:30 am. My roommate is snoring again. Fuck, like I was going to sleep anyway. Brian is mad at me. I hate that he is, but he really goes through a lot of mood swings. I can't keep up with him, even though I know he's right that I've been extremely self absorbed lately.

I don't have any alternative other than to obsess over it because I can't necessarily talk to him or anyone about what's going on in my head. He doesn't want to hear about it. Who does? It's my life, who fucking cares?

I think I'll lay low for awhile. My leg's shaking from the cup of chai I had. I feel like taking another shower just to warm myself up - & give me something to do. I'm close to grinding my teeth out of sheer frustration and angst.

I have to much to talk about and not enough patience to hold it in.

My dad and I have been getting closer.
I feel closer to Briana and it makes me happier than ever.

FUCK ME

meet me in outer space

[17 Oct 2005|01:47pm]
I keep thinking, and I don't think I'm going in the right direction, so I'm changing my direction.

I miss Kent. Not really miss him, that's just a word for me. I feel the desire to talk with him.
meet me in outer space

[06 Jun 2004|04:30pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "modrene ocean liner in the middle occupied by an ad agency. I" -White Oleander

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Some aloe vera

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Music videos

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is: 5:00

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
4:33

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Emenem & D12 "my band," my dog breathing, the sound of people dying across the world.

7: When did you last step outside?
A few minutes ago, when I went streaking :P

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
My online grades for French and English

9: What are you wearing?
my "Rock" underwear, Idian blue skirt, bra, and light blue shirt. :D

10: Did you dream last night?
Something really bizarre that I couldn't get out of.

11: When did you last laugh?
I think when I went out with my dad today... we laughed about some pens or something.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
They're light purple with a calander, some disney pics and other various little kid things.

13: Seen anything weird lately? Yeah, it was pretty weird looking in the mirror this morning.

14: What do you think of this quiz?
it was random

15: What is the last film you saw?
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A bunch of art supplies from Michaels, like different colored wire and beads, also a laptop. Maybe a BMW z3.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I like it when people play with my hair.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Become president. Then start from there.

19: Do you like to dance?
very much so :)

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
It's not worth arguing.

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Okay, we're imagining here: Juliet/Jules

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Skylar, Dylan

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
yeah, Japan, Madagascar, Southern France..

23: Will you pass on this survey?
Sure.... ?

7 stellar| meet me in outer space

An apology [12 Jan 2004|05:20pm]
[ mood | blank ]

For being too sensitive
For being self consumed and selfish
For making everything go wrong and making mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
For falling in love too easily
For not being perfect
For not doing it right
For not being beautiful
For laughing too hard
For having Blue eyes and blonde hair
I'm sorry for speaking too softly when I'm scared of your response
For caring
For not giving up
For wanting to kiss you
For being so affectionate
For being dramatic
For jumping at loud noises
For taking long showers
For ignoring my friends and pushing them away
For screaming at the top of my lungs at the thought of it all
I'm sorry for liking the wind when it pushes my hair past my shoulders on a sunny fall day
I'm sorry that the fall colors have to leave
That you have to leave without me
That I have to stay behind
That I'm in love with you
I'm sorry for being annoying
For not being able to save the world


And I'm really sorry that this doens't have some dramatic, big ending. I just thought it would be cool to write all these thoughts down. I'll try not to say it too often.

1 stellar| meet me in outer space

[05 Jan 2004|09:52am]
[ mood | quixotic ]

Hmm... everyone's been writing about New Years... I haven't written anything because there's not much to say. I just feel that everyday that goes by is another day closer to bad things happening. I don't want to talk about those bad things, because it really freaks me out and depresses me. I don't really have a New Year's reslotuion.. and nothing really else to say. I hope everyone continues living to their extreme abilities and enjoys life. That's all I could ever really hope for.

meet me in outer space

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